sugar pie
by CherryFlavoredChalk
Summary: In which Allen is not a hippie chick, Lenalee tries to play matchmaker, Lavi is obnoxious, and Kanda makes everything a great deal more awkward than it needs to be. Allen/Kanda, Lenalee/Marian. CRACK.


**[sugar]pie**

The party was seriously lame, and it was mostly Lenalee's fault. She was the organizer of this whole shindig, and if he really wanted to sit around a campfire made of incense with her brother badgering him to sing 'Kumbayah' with everyone else or to get the fuck out of his house, he would've visited his foster father—Tiedoll was way into that be-more-chill, I-am-the-Walrus-who-loves-the-earth crap. Daisya would've joined in with the hippie chorus, might've even asked to help make some of the tofu that Lenalee seemed so adamant about serving. Noise would've had fun switching up the CD changer from traditional folk songs to the Beatles, with a little whiney indie-vegan rock to switch it up a little. It might have actually been a little more tolerable if they'd been there.

As it was, Kanda was by himself. In the swarm of bisexual vegans and/or vegetarians who all seemed to listen to Ani Difranco and talk about gender studies and PETA like it was some sort of law, Kanda felt uncomfortable.

Or, you know, it might've been the fact that one of Lenalee's hippie friends kept trying to simultaneously trying to force him into a shawl made entirely out of hemp and suck his face off. Both were quite viable options.

"It'll look, like, really good." Damn, this girl was strange. She kept pointedly ignoring all of Kanda's glowers and shoving the shawl at him, smiling toothily. "C'mon! Try it!"

"Try fucking off." Kanda suggested. The girl looked momentarily astonished, and then broke out into a series of high-pitched giggles that reminded him, rather eerily, of Daisya's last girlfriend. He tried to lean away from her and ended up nearly planting his elbow in a bowl of bean sprouts. One of the bisexual Veg-Heads snickered and made an entirely unnecessary metaphor about bean sprouts and spiritual awareness. Kanda might've clocked him—if he knew what the Veg-Head was talking about.

Lavi settled for guffawing loudly and performing some odd sort of wink, all the while making hand gestures that seemed disturbingly sexual. This was something that Kanda understood, and he happily punched Lavi in the throat.

"Wow, you're kinda violent." The girl giggled nervously. She wrapped a strand of hair around her finger and twirled it. Her hair, Kanda decided, was a result of her mother snorting too many lines when she was pregnant, which would explain her old-man colored hair, as well as her complete lack of a brain.

From her place at the campfire, Lenalee shrieked, "Al! Kanda! I didn't know you two knew each other!"

"We don't."

"Ohhhh." Lenalee said, nodding sagely. She tugged on one of her pigtails and looked up at her brother for assistance. There was some weird sibling telepathy (something that Kanda never experienced, as Noise always seemed to be peacefully oblivious and Daisya wasn't worth the eye contact) and then she turned to them, smiling brightly. "Maybe you should go take a walk?"

"To Lavi's bike?" Kanda said hopefully. He had come with Lavi, and therefore couldn't leave without him. Unless he wanted to walk—which was something he tried to never do. He'd probably pass out from the exertion ; an entire summer of lying on the living room couch can do that to a person.

Lenalee giggled. "With each other, silly!"

"What if I don't want to?"

Lenalee's face fell; from across the yard, her boyfriend snapped, "What I said I'd fuck you up if you didn't?"

"I second that notion." Komui said peacefully. He brandished his ukulele threateningly, looked at Lenalee, and then jerked his head over in She Who Makes Hemp Shawls And Is Weird's direction. "Do it."

Kanda was feeling desperate. If he didn't go, there was a high possibility of Lenalee bursting into tears. This would inevitably end in both Komui and Marian rising as one to beat the mean right out of him—and as much as Kanda would've liked a fight, it wasn't the time or place for one because a) he hadn't worked out in about five months, leaving his muscles weak, if at all there b)Komui seemed to gain some weird strength whenever he felt that Lenalee was being unjustly denied something c)Marian, although having a humiliatingly girly name, was also freakishly strong and d) even though they were both basically geriatrics, the two of them combined could probably kick Kanda's ass all the way back to 515 Golem Street.

He hazarded a glance at Lavi. The redhead blew him a kiss and cooed, "My little Yuu-baby's all grown up!"

Kanda stood up stiffly, seized She Who Makes Hemp Shawls And Is –fuck it, _Al's_ shoulder and steered her towards the small pathway leading back to the house. She tittered nervously and looked back at Lenalee & company over her shoulder, making those weird motions that girls make when they're freaking out but secretly enjoying it.

She carried on giggling nervously until they reached the gate in front of Lenalee's house, she leaned towards him and whispered, "They're trying to hook us up! Isn't that funny?"

"Uh, no."

Al stared at him. "Okaaaay…don't get, like, offensive or anything, but your personality? It kind of sucks. And I thought maybe you'd cut loose when we left but you're not much livelier than a dead person."

_Oh no she di-dn't!_ Kanda wished that Lavi was there to snap his fingers in a Z-formation, erased that thought because it sounded far, far too gay for words, and bit savagely, "Fuck you, hippie chick. At least I don't cry over chickens and every ugly animal that has the decency to get hit by an axe and turned into food."

Al got all up in his grill then, finger-snapping and jabbing perfectly filed nails into his chest. "Okay, look, man—I'm not a hippie. I eat anything that casts a shadow, I'm not in nor have I ever been a member of PETA and—dammit, I'm not a _chick!"_

…Wow. Kanda would've spit out something like OMG I THOUGHT YOUR NAME WAS ALLISON WTF but that would've been highly inappropriate—and besides, he lacked the ability to speak in IM-lingo.

And—dare he admit it—he felt slightly bad. Not a lot. Not really at all, even. But Al ("It's _Allen_ to you, mister, we're not friends!" Allen hissed, evidently still hurt over the assumptions) was more likely than not to tell Lenalee (and eventually, Komui and Marian) about the wrongful treatment done to him, and simply by his friendship with Lenalee, Kanda would be beaten to a pulp.

"So." Kanda said awkwardly. "Do you want, you know," he gestured uselessly towards Lavi's bike, "go and get some meat?" Oh, nice, idiot. He'll probably mistake it for some bizarre penis metaphor and tell Lenalee that you sexually harassed him.

Allen stared.

Kanda inwardly squirmed.

Allen smiled sweetly and punched him in the throat.

"OW! WHAT THE HELL?"

He laughed, not unkindly. "Later, fuckwit. Thanks for the company." He said, and sauntered off.

Kanda laid out on his back, muttering obscenities and making anatomically impossible suggestions as to just what Allen could do with his thanks—and then noticed the line of seven numbers marching up his forearm and half-smiled.

* * *

**A/n:** After this, Kanda calls the number and finds out that it's really Komui's cell phone number. Allen continues to be a queen, and eventually wins some sort of prize for it. Lavi and Lenalee continue to be obnoxious and make Kanda's life miserable...or something along those lines. I don't know what this is--it's probably a figment of my imagination. Or something.


End file.
